


A Reason to Believe

by wolfie_winchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Needs a Hug, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s11e10 The Devil Is In The Details, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 10:40:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5783203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wolfie_winchester/pseuds/wolfie_winchester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Lucifer is gone, Castiel has a hard time believing that anybody wants him around. He feels used and unloved and all he really wants is to find someone who won't just treat him like a celestial weapon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Reason to Believe

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted more Cas in the new episodes and I wanted Lucifer back. BUT THIS IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

“It’s good to have you back, man.”

 

Castiel - finally free from Lucifer - watches as Dean reaches out and pats him on the shoulder. After everything that’s happened to him, literally sacrificing himself to the devil for Sam and Dean, and all the thanks he gets is a pat on the arm and a ‘it’s good to have you back’. The worst part is, it’s not all that surprising. Sam and Dean have never done much more in way of thanking him.

 

“Is it really?” Cas finds himself snapping. He knows that the last thing he should do is get angry, but he can’t help it. He’s beyond pissed at the Winchesters, for treating him like he’s expendable, for using him like a pawn that’s all too happy to be sacrificed. Cas can count on one hand the number of times Sam or Dean have ever acknowledged what he’s done for them and if he’s being honest, it’s infuriating.

 

“What?” Dean’s looking at him warily, like he’s not quite sure that Lucifer is completely gone.

 

“I said yes to Lucifer for you and all I get is a pat on the shoulder and a ‘it’s good to have you back, man’?” Cas says, eyes narrowing at the other man. Dean opens his mouth to reply but Cas cuts him off with a sigh. “I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. You’ve never thanked me for anything I’ve done for you.”

 

“That’s not true, Cas,” Dean says.

 

“Isn’t it? You didn’t thank me when I rebelled against Heaven for you. You didn’t thank me when I quite literally died for you, more times than I care to count. I don’t even think you thanked me for pulling you out of Hell, unless you count stabbing me in the chest as gratitude!”

 

Dean stares at him in disbelief before he eventually shakes his head and lets out a soft laugh.

 

“Man, what’s your problem? You’re acting like a child. So your feelings are hurt. Suck it up, Cas. You don’t see me and Sam whining about people never thanking us for saving them!”

 

“My _problem_ is that all you’ve ever done is treat me like - like crap! Like I’m just some tool that you can throw away whenever I become inconvenient to you! I gave up _everything_ I’ve ever known for you but all you care about is _your_ problems and _your_ family, which it’s clear to me now that your family doesn’t include me anymore, if it ever did in the first place!”

 

“Cas, of course you’re family,” Dean says, holding his hands up in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

 

“Well I certainly don’t feel like it,” Cas replies, hating himself for the way his voice breaks. He lets out a shaky breath and turns away from Dean so the hunter can’t see his face. “When we were in Purgatory, you told me you needed me. That you weren’t going to leave without me. But that wasn’t true, was it? You’ve never needed _me_ , you’ve only ever needed my powers.”

 

“Cas, that’s not true!” Dean exclaims. He almost sounds like he means it.

 

“You don’t need to lie to make me feel better, Dean,” Cas mutters, discreetly wiping at his eyes. “I understand now. Ambriel was right. You and Sam have always been the heroes. I’m just the useless, expendable angel, isn’t that right?”

 

“Cas...” Dean puts a hand on his shoulder and Cas flinches away.

 

“Don’t touch me,” he says, pulling away from Dean’s hand. He brushes past Dean and goes up the stairs to the door of the bunker. Heaven won’t take him back, but maybe he can find somewhere else to go. He wonders if Nora is still working at that Gas n’ Sip. She might have only known him as Steve, but at least there he’d felt wanted, even if he was a simple sales associate.

 

“Where are you going?” Dean shouts from the bottom of the stairs.

 

“Somewhere I’m wanted,” he mumbles to himself. He knows that Dean thinks he’s selfish, but he’s so tired of feeling unloved and he just wants to find someone who will like him for him, not for what he can do for them.

 

“Cas, wait!”

 

He can hear Dean coming up the steps and he hates that he wants to stop and listen to what the hunter has to say. It’s something that’s ingrained in him and he has to force himself to push the door open and walk out. His car is parked outside next to the Impala and the sight of Dean’s car sends a pang through his chest. He’ll miss seeing it. He’ll miss seeing Sam and Dean too, but he can’t stay where he knows he’s not wanted.

 

He walks over to his car and just as he’s reaching for the door, Dean grabs him and spins him around.

 

“Cas, please don’t go,” he pleads.

 

“Give me one reason not to.”

 

Dean swallows hard and Cas isn’t expecting for the hunter to surge forward and press his lips softly against his. His eyes widen, his heart pounding in his chest, and Dean pulls away with a small blush on his cheeks. He’s painfully beautiful and while Cas wants nothing more than to pull Dean back to him, he resists and shakes his head.

 

“N-Not good enough,” Cas murmurs. He doesn’t miss the hurt and confusion and anger in Dean’s eyes and he licks his lips, all too aware of Dean following the movement of his tongue.

 

“Why not?” he asks quietly.

 

“Because... because you’re just using my feelings for you to your advantage. If I stay, you’ll act like this never happened and nothing will change. I... I can’t do that.”

 

It takes all his willpower to turn away from Dean and open the car door.

 

“Tell me how to convince you,” Dean says.

 

Cas stops and he lets out a sigh.

 

“Dean, I don’t know how, because I don’t know if I’ll ever believe you,” he admits. He gets into the car and tries not to look out the window at Dean. He’s standing there in his peripheral and Cas looks away from him as he starts the car. He places his hands on the wheel and just as he’s about to leave, the passenger door is opening and Dean is climbing into the seat next to him.

 

“You need to leave,” Cas mumbles, though he makes no action to get Dean out of his car.

 

“No,” Dean says resolutely.

 

“You can’t change my mind.”

 

“I’d like to think I can.”

 

Dean reaches over and takes one of Cas’ hands, squeezing it tightly. Cas inhales sharply and tries to tug his hand away, but Dean keeps a firm grip on him.

 

“Please let me go,” Cas whispers. “I can’t do this anymore, Dean.”

 

The other man is silent for a while and Cas knows that if he really wanted to, he could make Dean leave. But even after everything, he can’t bring himself to hurt him. In some ways, he still sees the hunter as his charge - the righteous man with whom he shares a profound bond. He thinks it’s that bond that makes him hear Dean out when he starts talking again.

 

“I’m sorry, Cas,” Dean says quietly, staring at their joined hands. “We screwed up. I’ll admit it. If it weren’t for us, you’d still be Heaven’s number one angel. You’d be happy and I’m so sorry that we took that away from you.”

 

Cas sighs and shakes his head.

 

“Dean, that’s not what I’m upset about. I could care less about Heaven. I might have been a commander once, but I’ve never fit in with the rest of my brothers and sisters. Not completely, at least. I don’t regret giving it up for you. I only wish that you would at least thank me for it. That you and Sam treat me like the family you claim that I am.”

 

“And we will. I swear to you, Cas, we will. Please just give us a chance?”

 

There’s hope in Dean’s eyes when Cas looks over at him and he knows that he might regret it later, but he can’t bring himself to extinguish that light in his hunter’s eyes. He sighs quietly and nods, turning the key and switching the car off. Dean’s shoulders slump in relief and before Cas can react, the hunter is tugging Cas across the seat into a hug.

 

“Thank you,” Dean says, the words muffled in Cas’ coat. His hands grip him tightly and Cas gives in, hugging Dean back and squeezing his eyes shut. He feels one of Dean’s hands sliding up to cradle the back of his head, fingers curling gently in his hair. Cas gasps when he feels Dean’s lips brush the shell of his ear and the hunter lets out a quiet breath that seems loud in the small space.

 

“I know you probably won’t believe me now, but I do need you, Cas. It’s as true as when I said it in Purgatory, and again in that crypt with the angel tablet,” Dean murmurs.

 

“I’m sorry about that,” Cas says, recalling the horrid memory with a wince.

 

“Don’t. It wasn’t your fault. But if... if it makes you feel better, I guess we’re even now. We’ve both almost killed each other,” Dean replies gruffly. Cas pulls back so he can see Dean’s face again. The hunter looks away from him, no doubt guilt-stricken about what he did under the influence of the Mark. Cas reaches out and lifts his chin with a finger, smiling when Dean’s eyes meet his.

 

“It’s okay. I forgive you,” Cas murmurs. The hunter looks like he might say something about how he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, but instead he just nods and attempts a small smile of his own.

 

“So, uh, do you wanna go back inside?” Dean asks nervously, possibly afraid that Cas will get angry again and leave for real this time. Instead, he just nods and opens the door.

 

“I would like that,” Cas says. They get out of the car and Cas goes back inside with Dean, their hands joined together. The small gesture alone has Cas’ chest feeling warm, somehow lighter already.

 

They stop in the middle of the bunker and Dean turns so he’s facing him. He looks almost shy, biting his lip as he reaches up hesitantly and cups Cas’ face in his hand.

 

“Can... can I kiss you?” Dean asks, so quietly that if Cas wasn’t an angel he might not have heard.

 

“Yes,” Cas breathes, eyes slipping shut as Dean presses their lips together again. There’s still a part of him that doubts this, wondering if Dean is just toying with him just so that he’ll stay until they need his powers again. But the longer the hunter kisses him, the harder he holds onto him, the more he starts to believe it isn’t just an act.

 

He doesn’t need to breathe, but he’s still breathless when Dean pulls away. The other man’s cheeks are pink and his lips are a little swollen and Cas smiles, leaning into Dean’s chest and wrapping his arms around the hunter.

 

“I think I believe you now,” Cas mumbles, a blush creeping up his neck when Dean presses another kiss to the top of his head. He sighs happily and before he can stop himself, the three words he’s always tried to hold back from saying slip out of him. When Dean goes still, he fears that he’s gone and ruined everything. He’s afraid that Dean will kick him out and Cas doesn’t know if he’ll be able to take being rejected again - especially not by Dean.

 

But Dean surprises him - something that the man has always managed to do despite the fact that they’ve known each other for so long.

 

“I know,” Dean says, squeezing him gently. “I’ve known for a while. And I... I do too.”

 

Cas smiles and he lets out a soft laugh, vision blurring at the edges. He closes his eyes and leans forward until their foreheads are touching, swallowing hard as he tries to formulate a response.

 

“You...” he starts, choking on air a little, “you have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that.”

 

Dean huffs and he chuckles softly to himself.

 

“I didn’t even say it back. Not like how you probably wanted,” Dean protests.

 

“It doesn’t matter. It meant the same, didn’t it?”

 

“Yeah, but... you deserve to hear the actual words, Cas. After everything you’ve done for me and Sam ,you deserve to know that I love you. I love you and I’m so glad that you were the one who pulled me out of Hell. I’ll never be able to thank you enough, Cas, but I want you to know that I’m grateful for it. For everything you’ve done and everything you are, I’m grateful.”

 

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas whispers. It’s all he wanted to hear and then some. He can feel his heart beating erratically in his chest and it beats impossibly faster when Dean kisses him again.  

  
“No, Cas,” he says against his lips. “Thank _you_.”


End file.
